Just Hurdling...

Even though I find blogging/writing/journaling therapeutic... sometimes I just don't have the time to get it all out and share the nonsense in my head.

In March we took two new placements (again for privacy purposes their names will be changed):  "D"ylan (boy) and "E"mma (girl).  At the time, they were placed with us "D" was 8 weeks old and he slept through the night (he still sleeps through the night) and "E" was 2 1/2 years old.  "D" is a pretty cheery little guy.. although he does turn into a gremlin if he is overtired.  And "E" was quite shy in the beginning... she wouldn't talk to adults and barely spoke.  We initially thought she had some sort of developmental or cognitive delay, but she has come around... first speaking with the other children and then forming trust with the adults in her life and having full on conversations with us.  They are an interesting addition to the home and family unit, but they are foster children... we have no plans on pursuing adoption should they be unable to be reunified.  We know that this is best for them and our family and that there is an amazing set of people out there who would be blessed to have them should they be unable to be reunited with biological family.

And, happily our family is complete!! The missing puzzle piece has been found and we are overjoyed that "C"indy and "B"ella are our daughters! We had a small ceremony at church, in which we said a prayer with our congregation and some of our family was able to attend (not living in the same state as our families can be a drag for moments like this).  The girls started the school year with their new names and were soo excited!!


We've had some behavioral issues with "B"ella post adoption and my anxiety has shot through the roof!  But we are working through things, her therapy sessions have increased and so has my listening to Love & Logic CD's during my commute.  We have discussed medication, but really feel that isn't a great choice, given her past and possible predisposition to addiction.  We'd like to utilize Occupational/Behavioral Therapy instead of medication... she is only 5 years old and with her trauma history is emotionally a 3 year old (maybe 4 year old).. so her behaviors are on target for her emotional age.  Sometimes meeting her where she is emotionally is easier said then done... again that is where L&L is my saving grace... along with giving myself a time-out.

Right now she said she enjoys writing sentences as a consequence.. I believe it gives her time to process right from wrong.  She writes 5 sentences.. usually it is "I will sit on the carpet at circle time." and she says the sentence as she writes.  The next day she has a great day at school.. there are some mornings that she just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. And its like dealing with Oscar the Grouch.  She'll do everything in her power to annoy every person in our home.. typically the other children.  And once she is put in a time out for that... she is on the wrong foot for the rest of the day.  Tuesday it was turning off and on the kitchen lights while I was getting ready.. I hear "A"arron screaming at her "DOP IT!! I TANT SEE!! DOP ITT!!!!" and "E"mma "Peas Stop!!" and even "C"indy "They are asking you nicely!"  Finally, I call down.. "That's it, turn the lights back on and sit on the step until we are ready to leave!"  Yah not very L&L of me... its not always easy to be a consultant parent.. the drill sargent comes much more naturally for me.  HOOORAHH!!

Guest Blogger: Parenting a victim of sexual abuse

Introducing a fellow Foster Parent.. to discuss some of the more "uncomfortable" aspects of being a parent and her tips/tricks to get you through it:

We never intended to be foster parents. We certainly never intended to foster a severely sexually abused young girl…she was outside literally ALL of our placement criteria. Yet, as we learned, foster care is a world where many things we don’t expect happen. So it was that in mid-2010 we took a foster placement of a beautiful 3yo girl named Tara (NOT her real name) and we have learned some very sad and disturbing lessons about the affects of Sexual Abuse (SA) and the realities of helping such a child heal.Our approach from the start was to model normal family interactions and to include her in our very affectionate family as much as she was comfortable with, while being vigilant and providing redirection or instruction as needed. We did not share the nature of the abuse Tara suffered with anyone not strictly necessary; we did not want her to be stigmatized as she had been in her previous foster home. Within mere days Tara blossomed. She was starved for “normal” affection and attention and seeing her personality emerge was really a great feeling. Not everything was goodness and light, however.

While we knew Tara’s SA history, I was still taken completely by surprise the first time Tara disclosed to me. As she became more comfortable the disclosures of SA began and quickly increased in frequency; usually while getting ready for bed, rocking or bathing. I talked to Tara’s therapist as well as our local Children’s Assessment Center for advice on how to handle these disclosures in a way that preserved the integrity of the disclosure for the case while also provided Tara with the appropriate comforting responses. The guidelines that came from these discussions served me well:

• Make it Safe: Welcome your child’s statements or questions about their birth family. Provide the child with opportunities to talk about anything that comes to their minds. As hard are some things are to hear just remember: if they can’t talk it out, they will act it out.
• Be calm: Your first reaction will set the stage either inviting the child to go on, or shutting them down. Talk of sexual goings on is taboo to many of us and your instinct may be to recoil and change the subject, particularly when taken by surprise. Make every effort to suppress that instinct.
• Listen! Make eye contact, nod, try for an expression of “caring, polite interest”. I would consciously try to note key information in my head while listening so I could report the details accurately.
• Allow the child to lead the conversation and allow them to end it when they want to. Our FD would actually say “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” When she was done. Respect the child’s boundaries.
• If the child is willing to engage in dialog, ask open ended questions only: what happened then? What happened next? Where were you? Can you show me? How did that make you feel? Believe me, I know you don’t want to hear or see ANY of the answers to these questions (I have images in my head that STILL make me think “that can’t be right, can it?”) but it is important to get details if the child is willing and able to provide them. You can cry later.
• Avoid leading questions: It is important to avoid even the appearance of planting ideas or leading the child. Don’t say “Did so-and-so do that?” or even “that must have been…” If you couldn’t understand the child ask them to repeat rather than saying what you thought heard.
• After the child relays the facts, thank the child for telling you, acknowledge that it’s hard to tell secrets, remind them that secrets are bad and telling the secrets is the right thing to do, reassure them nothing that happened was their fault. Offer consolation (“I’m sorry that happened to you.”), validate the child’s feelings (“I would have been scared too.”) and, if the child is comfortable, hold and rock the child while reassuring them you still care about them.

The hardest thing for me was that our FD would tell me something her daddy (or others) had done to her and then ask “did your daddy do that to you?” This question is fraught with ‘was it just me’ and ‘was it my fault’ undertones. Always be honest and gentle. In this case I said ‘no, honey, my daddy didn’t do that. Daddy’s are not supposed to do that, it was wrong for daddy to do that.’ If faced with a hard question take a moment to compose your answers. It’s also OK to say “I don’t know”. I used “I don’t know” whenever she asked a “why did he/they…” question and then followed immediately with a validation that it was wrong, bad and not her fault.

What to do afterwards:

• IMMEDIATELY document the conversation, get down all the details while they are fresh. Report the facts and only the facts. For example:
• Communicate the disclosure to the appropriate party: Our case worker had us send the disclosure via email and she confirmed by return receipt that they were relayed to CPS (due to an on going investigation). Some agencies ask the FP to report directly to CPS.
• Let yourself feel. I found that the efforts of maintaining calmness during the disclosure needed an offsetting vent for the rage and sadness. I would talk to my husband, another foster parent, run on the treadmill or just take a bath and cry.

There are few things that are worse for any parent than dealing with a disclosure of sexual abuse. However, as we have seen in our experience with Tara, children can heal from even the most heinous abuse when given an environment in which they feel safe to process and deal with their experiences. We are thrilled to report that after 10 months in our home Tara was able to be safely reunited with her brother, who had been placed seperately, and continues to do wonderfully in their pre-adoptive placement.

Seeing yourself through the Blur

We have weekly theraplay sessions with "B"ella (the 3 year old), most of the time the therapist just watches my interaction with her and we discuss anything that came up during the week.  She gives me ideas on how to handle the situation(s) differently (which I gladly accept.. hey I am basically parenting triplets here!).

Anyway, this week's session was video taped (it gets erased immediately after viewing). 

Here's the scene (TAKE 1):

I am at the kitchen table with "B"ella and "C"indy, while "A"arron is cruising around the kitchen in his walker.  We are working on melting beads (for those not in the know.. they are plastic things that you put on a peg board in different shapes and then using the iron you melt the plastic so that the shape sticks together).  I am attempting to open the container (its new and sealed ever so tightly), while "B"ella is "reading" a book.. she is telling me all about this book, who the characters are and what they are doing.  "C"indy is patiently waiting for the beads so she can begin working on her design.  I get the container opened and quickly realize that the beads need a container of their own, so that we don't have beads all over the floor for "A"arron to eat!  I tell the girls not to touch the beads so that they don't end up on the floor... as SOON as my back is turned.. up jumps "B"ella fist into the container and beads onto the table and the ground! I run over and move her hand out of the way "NO NO!!"  She pouts.. I try to engage her "What happened to the beads?"  She quietly says "Fa-war" I ask her "Is it okay that they are on the floor?" she says "No" and continues to pout.. so I tickle her and engage her with my hand on her face just goofing around to get her out of her mood.  "C"indy wants to join in on the fun.. so I turn to "C"indy and cover my hand on her face and my hand with her hand.  We continue with the melting beads and I get up once to help "A"arron because he was getting fussy in the walker.

FAST FORWARD:  Review of the tape.... Yah, all the above stuff was done.. but my perception of it ummm.. not so clear! "B"ella did grab for the beads, but none of them landed on the floor.. I definitely could've handled that better.  And umm yah "C"indy.. she was not sitting there patiently waiting.. she was feeling rejected by the lack of attention.  It is not easy to manage the needs of 3 children, but seeing how poorly I did.. makes it easier to realize that I have to work harder at it.  They all need equal time, attention and affection. 

So how do you do it all?  Come on Super Moms.. tell me the secret to success!!