A Page out of Someone Else's Book

I read this blog every so often.. not so much anymore, not because I don't remember what infertility feels like, but because I am busy.  I barely take the time to blog regularly myself, nevermind catch up on everyone elses. But this title caught my eye... Living with Infertility: Take Two .. so I journeyed over younder and read it. And I agree with it.  I know I am still greiving.. I know I am still living with infertility, but I know that I am going to live and I am going to live a happy life, with a biological child or not.

So now onto Kieko's task... I am going to step back to a few previous posts.. one in the early stages of our Clammer to Conception.. and one at the Final Curtain Call of Fertility Treatments.

Clammer to Conception: We tried, well not tried, we just didn't prevent pregnancy for the first few years of our marriage.  And when we started trying.. it wasn't happening.  Finally they ordered some tests, bloodwork, exams, semen analysis.. yada, yada.. and we were diagnosed and prescribed fertility treatments. The reason we couldn't conceiven naturally we were known as being SUBFERTILE -- what's that mean? Well all the plumbing works correctly.. there are just "minor" factors inhibiting our ability to conceive.  We were told IUI will definitely work, but we could try this magic pill in the meantime (aka clomid.. the thought was the more eggs = more targets).  We had hope that we'd conceive and insurance that covered it.. I remember that excitement at a chance.

Final Curtain: I felt like I was on that journey forever, but in reality it was only a year between an official diagnosis and our last treatment cycle (it probably feels longer because I have short cycles.. the "average" woman has 13 cycles a year -- that is basing it on a 28 day cycle; I have 15-16 cycles in a year).  Anyway, this particular post, isn't from our LAST Treatment Cycle, but it was one of the final treatments we endured.  And those feelings from that morning are forever burned into my heart.. the tears must have been acid tears.. because it is litterally burned into my memory... the grief, the loss is still there when I think about it.

So what's your journey?  What can you recall with the realness of today? And if you don't have a journey, remember that 1 in 8 couples do.. because even the Birds and the Bees have trouble conceiving.  So on a lighter note, I leave you with this music video ... see even us infertiles can laugh at our state:

Guest Blogger: Parenting a victim of sexual abuse

Introducing a fellow Foster Parent.. to discuss some of the more "uncomfortable" aspects of being a parent and her tips/tricks to get you through it:

We never intended to be foster parents. We certainly never intended to foster a severely sexually abused young girl…she was outside literally ALL of our placement criteria. Yet, as we learned, foster care is a world where many things we don’t expect happen. So it was that in mid-2010 we took a foster placement of a beautiful 3yo girl named Tara (NOT her real name) and we have learned some very sad and disturbing lessons about the affects of Sexual Abuse (SA) and the realities of helping such a child heal.Our approach from the start was to model normal family interactions and to include her in our very affectionate family as much as she was comfortable with, while being vigilant and providing redirection or instruction as needed. We did not share the nature of the abuse Tara suffered with anyone not strictly necessary; we did not want her to be stigmatized as she had been in her previous foster home. Within mere days Tara blossomed. She was starved for “normal” affection and attention and seeing her personality emerge was really a great feeling. Not everything was goodness and light, however.

While we knew Tara’s SA history, I was still taken completely by surprise the first time Tara disclosed to me. As she became more comfortable the disclosures of SA began and quickly increased in frequency; usually while getting ready for bed, rocking or bathing. I talked to Tara’s therapist as well as our local Children’s Assessment Center for advice on how to handle these disclosures in a way that preserved the integrity of the disclosure for the case while also provided Tara with the appropriate comforting responses. The guidelines that came from these discussions served me well:

• Make it Safe: Welcome your child’s statements or questions about their birth family. Provide the child with opportunities to talk about anything that comes to their minds. As hard are some things are to hear just remember: if they can’t talk it out, they will act it out.
• Be calm: Your first reaction will set the stage either inviting the child to go on, or shutting them down. Talk of sexual goings on is taboo to many of us and your instinct may be to recoil and change the subject, particularly when taken by surprise. Make every effort to suppress that instinct.
• Listen! Make eye contact, nod, try for an expression of “caring, polite interest”. I would consciously try to note key information in my head while listening so I could report the details accurately.
• Allow the child to lead the conversation and allow them to end it when they want to. Our FD would actually say “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” When she was done. Respect the child’s boundaries.
• If the child is willing to engage in dialog, ask open ended questions only: what happened then? What happened next? Where were you? Can you show me? How did that make you feel? Believe me, I know you don’t want to hear or see ANY of the answers to these questions (I have images in my head that STILL make me think “that can’t be right, can it?”) but it is important to get details if the child is willing and able to provide them. You can cry later.
• Avoid leading questions: It is important to avoid even the appearance of planting ideas or leading the child. Don’t say “Did so-and-so do that?” or even “that must have been…” If you couldn’t understand the child ask them to repeat rather than saying what you thought heard.
• After the child relays the facts, thank the child for telling you, acknowledge that it’s hard to tell secrets, remind them that secrets are bad and telling the secrets is the right thing to do, reassure them nothing that happened was their fault. Offer consolation (“I’m sorry that happened to you.”), validate the child’s feelings (“I would have been scared too.”) and, if the child is comfortable, hold and rock the child while reassuring them you still care about them.

The hardest thing for me was that our FD would tell me something her daddy (or others) had done to her and then ask “did your daddy do that to you?” This question is fraught with ‘was it just me’ and ‘was it my fault’ undertones. Always be honest and gentle. In this case I said ‘no, honey, my daddy didn’t do that. Daddy’s are not supposed to do that, it was wrong for daddy to do that.’ If faced with a hard question take a moment to compose your answers. It’s also OK to say “I don’t know”. I used “I don’t know” whenever she asked a “why did he/they…” question and then followed immediately with a validation that it was wrong, bad and not her fault.

What to do afterwards:

• IMMEDIATELY document the conversation, get down all the details while they are fresh. Report the facts and only the facts. For example:
• Communicate the disclosure to the appropriate party: Our case worker had us send the disclosure via email and she confirmed by return receipt that they were relayed to CPS (due to an on going investigation). Some agencies ask the FP to report directly to CPS.
• Let yourself feel. I found that the efforts of maintaining calmness during the disclosure needed an offsetting vent for the rage and sadness. I would talk to my husband, another foster parent, run on the treadmill or just take a bath and cry.

There are few things that are worse for any parent than dealing with a disclosure of sexual abuse. However, as we have seen in our experience with Tara, children can heal from even the most heinous abuse when given an environment in which they feel safe to process and deal with their experiences. We are thrilled to report that after 10 months in our home Tara was able to be safely reunited with her brother, who had been placed seperately, and continues to do wonderfully in their pre-adoptive placement.

Salt isn't just a Seasoning

Support from family and friends can go a long way in dealing with the emotional struggles of infertility and/or adoption. There are lots of things that seem to be the "normal" response to these topics, but tend to "pour salt in the wound".

I hid our struggles from the majority of our family and even our closest friends.  I hated seeing the pain in their eyes or hearing it in their voice when we had yet another negative pregnancy test.  To me, that pain was salt in my wound... so I didn't talk about it.  I hid my sadness, anger, and envy behind laughter and jokes:  "Who's needs children?  I have three dogs that I can leave unattended while I am at work!" HAHAHAHA! (tears) HAHAHAHA!  Granted I talked about our cycles, our treatments, our struggles, my anger, my disappoinment with a wonderful group of women.. a group of women (thank you WTE Ladies) I may never meet but who have been there for me when I couldn't wouldn't share those things with people I knew/know and love.

So if I had to go back, would I do it differently?  Probably... I'd probably be more open about all of it, so that others could learn, could help me Adjust, Alter, Amend perceptions and conversations.

What can I do now? 

What can you do now?

Ask How You Can Be Supportive:  The best way to be supportive is by asking what you can do. This allows the couple involved to determine the kind of role you will play in support. And it allows them to retain control over a very personal issue. If the couple tells you that there is nothing that you can do, respect their requests, and offer to be there for them in the future should they need you.  Possible offer a hand to hold at a doctor's appointment or buying a mutual friend's baby gift to spare your pal the pain of doing it themselves.

Don't Force the Issue:  Even though you may want to talk about the diagnosis or treatment options that your friends are pursuing, they might not feel the same way. It is important to allow them to discuss their emotions and concerns about infertility in their own time. Don't make comments such as, "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "What treatment are you going to try next?" These comments can be hurtful and inappropriate. Make your friends aware that you are available to talk at any time, but don't force your advice upon them.

Resist Comparisons:  Though it can be tempting to tell your family members about people you know who are also going through fertility treatments, this is generally not a wise idea. Everyone's experience with infertility is different, and most couples who are experiencing it don't want to hear about other people's battles. Unless your family asks you to tell them about other people's experiences, refrain from doing so.

Don't Be Overly Optimistic or Pessimistic:  Fertility treatments can be very successful sometimes. IUI and IVF offer success rates of up to 25% per cycle. However, even if your friend is undergoing treatment, there is a possibility that a pregnancy won't result. Many women do become pregnant, but experience miscarriage early on. So try to avoid being overly optimistic about treatments. However, this does not mean that you should be negative about treatment either. Try to be supportive without leaning one way or the other.

Avoid Recommending Treatments: If a family member or close friend is undergoing fertility treatments, then you will probably be interested in finding out more about these procedures. But try to avoid recommending one procedure over another. Choosing fertility treatment needs to be a personal decision and it should only be made between the individuals directly involved. Feel free to offer support about treatment, but try not to favor one treatment over another.

Remember Both Partners:  There is usually more than one individual involved in an diagnosis of infertility. Unfortunately, because infertility is often seen as a "woman's disease," male partners often get left out of the picture. In fact, up to 50% of infertility diagnoses are due to male factor infertility. It is important that male partners get all the support and concern that you can provide. [Source]

Adjust, Alter, Amend

The way we talk about things in life may be "normal", but should they be? Should we never.. "Adjust, Alter, Amend" our terms, our verbiage, or even our perceptions?

With infertilty.. the "normal" reaction by friends and family is "Who's problem is it?" or "Who's fault is it?" Because that is what they assume, its a problem, a fault, an issue.. not a disease, not something that could be corrected with medical help.

With adoption.. the "normal" reacation by friends and family is "Why'd the mother give up the baby?" or "How could someone give up something so precious?" Because that is what they assume, the parents just threw away the child, they had more important things to do with their life than parent.. not that they CHOSE adoption, that they pondered the consquences of their decision, that they consicously made this decision that will not only affect the rest of their lives, but the rest of the child's life, as well as the adoptive family's lives.

So why not advocate for our friends and family to Adjust, Alter, Amend their percepations and even verbiage when it comes to these very personal and emotially sensitive topics.  Why should we continue to accept the "normal" reactions, instead of requesting the "appropriate" reactions?

Infertility is a painful and difficult time in a person's and a couple's lives... in fact some couples do not survive past the prognosis.  The pain and anger over not being able to conceive outweighs the love they once had for each other.  There are many emotional struggles when dealing with Infertility and then the treatments associated with "curing" it.  But with patience and "appropriate" reactions from friends and family, the emotional struggles can be overcome by the support and love they receive.

Adoption is the same... people don't give up, it isn't a failure to have your child adopted by another family... it is a choice, it is a heartfelt decision to do something so selfless for the child and another family. 

 

So Adjust, Alter, Amend...

"Infertility is a Disease"  and "Adoption is a Choice"

both require two simple, hearfelt things:

Sympathy and Empathy.

Oh yah.. and ummmm... we are also officially licensed. (okay that was a bit nonchalant).. so,

WE ARE OFFICIALLY LICENSED!!

I have a feeling that we will be having quite a few things to Adjust, Alter, Amend in our daily lives, in the very near future.