Reader Question: What's Harder?? (Part II - The Answer)

Reader Question: 

What's Harder....

Trying to Conceive and Fertility Treatments

OR

Foster Care?

It was great to see all of your responses.

 For me both are emotionally draining and anxiety ridden.  And with both you can never seem to anticipate anything because once you think you have it figured out.. it changes, for better or worse... it changes.

With TTC and FT's time ticks by at the pace of a cycle.. everything is defined in terms of your ovulation.  You have the fertile time leading up to ovulation, and then the dreaded Two Week Wait to find out if you conceived.. only in our case that TWW never gave us the desired and hoped for BFP.  In the beginning the signs of AF weren't so depressing.. it was "oh well there's next month, we are still young" outlook and adage.  Then you start realizing.. SH*T this just isn't working.. and you seek medical help.. you take medication and are told that "it wont be a problem for you to conceive".. only there is still a problem.. you still aren't conceiving.  So you move further into the treatment process and continue to struggle with conception.. until there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  A time when decide to grieve the loss of your biological child and either live a child-free life or pursue other means create a family.

Then we have the Foster Care side of the equation... time ticks by at the pace of a court date (every 3 months).  And information isn't freely passed between parties.  Foster Parents can "see" how the case is going by their foster children's behaviour, but that can be misleading.  We aren't even always told what circumstances brought the children into care... we can surmise based on comments or attending court hearings (which I never attended.. working in the legal field, I never wanted the court to ask me a question without having been fully prepped on how to answer it -- the big thing with courts is that everything has to be facts not opinions and so mixing your feelings into the fold, won't always bring about your desired outcome).  And I can tell you, this past case was emotionally exhausting for me.  I always felt as thought I couldn't truly determine whether or not I was being selfish or if I was truly thinking of the children's best interest.  Sadly, there are times (in parenting not just foster parenting) where being selfish and having the child's best interest at are are one in the same... and yet you feel guilty because of that simple truth.

So for me.. although they were both riddled with anxiety and heartache, being a Foster Parent was much harder.  Solely because there are lives at stake.  With TTC & FT's YES I grieved, and yes there are days when I still continue to grieve, but it was in the abstract.  Whereas with Foster Parenting, I see .. daily .. the toll it takes on the children and on their families.

For me.. being a Foster Parent is much harder than TTC'ing or injecting myself with needles and being jabbed by the U/S tech every other day to see if things are "ripening" properly.

Reader Question: What's Harder Trying to Conceive and Fertility Treatments OR Foster Care? (Part I)

Reader Question: 

What's Harder....

Trying to Conceive and Fertility Treatments

OR

Foster Care?

Well, that is a tough one to answer.

So let me open this up to my Readers... What are your thoughts, questions, answers?  And then I will share mine.

A Page out of Someone Else's Book

I read this blog every so often.. not so much anymore, not because I don't remember what infertility feels like, but because I am busy.  I barely take the time to blog regularly myself, nevermind catch up on everyone elses. But this title caught my eye... Living with Infertility: Take Two .. so I journeyed over younder and read it. And I agree with it.  I know I am still greiving.. I know I am still living with infertility, but I know that I am going to live and I am going to live a happy life, with a biological child or not.

So now onto Kieko's task... I am going to step back to a few previous posts.. one in the early stages of our Clammer to Conception.. and one at the Final Curtain Call of Fertility Treatments.

Clammer to Conception: We tried, well not tried, we just didn't prevent pregnancy for the first few years of our marriage.  And when we started trying.. it wasn't happening.  Finally they ordered some tests, bloodwork, exams, semen analysis.. yada, yada.. and we were diagnosed and prescribed fertility treatments. The reason we couldn't conceiven naturally we were known as being SUBFERTILE -- what's that mean? Well all the plumbing works correctly.. there are just "minor" factors inhibiting our ability to conceive.  We were told IUI will definitely work, but we could try this magic pill in the meantime (aka clomid.. the thought was the more eggs = more targets).  We had hope that we'd conceive and insurance that covered it.. I remember that excitement at a chance.

Final Curtain: I felt like I was on that journey forever, but in reality it was only a year between an official diagnosis and our last treatment cycle (it probably feels longer because I have short cycles.. the "average" woman has 13 cycles a year -- that is basing it on a 28 day cycle; I have 15-16 cycles in a year).  Anyway, this particular post, isn't from our LAST Treatment Cycle, but it was one of the final treatments we endured.  And those feelings from that morning are forever burned into my heart.. the tears must have been acid tears.. because it is litterally burned into my memory... the grief, the loss is still there when I think about it.

So what's your journey?  What can you recall with the realness of today? And if you don't have a journey, remember that 1 in 8 couples do.. because even the Birds and the Bees have trouble conceiving.  So on a lighter note, I leave you with this music video ... see even us infertiles can laugh at our state:

Back to the Beginning

I was one of those "typical" teenage girls, I believed EVERYTHING that health education taught me about the Production of Reproduction!  Which was basically.. if you had sex, even if you were on birth control and using condoms and any and all other forms of contraception out there (with or without a perscription).. you WOULD get PREGO!   I was so fearful of pregnancy, that at 17 [GASP] I was still a virgin -- not having a boyfriend might have played a role in that as well, but that is another topic for another day.  Maybe I was naive or it wasn't discussed, but to my knowledge/memory there were only (from my graduating class) 3 girls out of 352 total students (who graduated) idk what the number of girls are in that total, but lets go with half... so 3 out of 126 = 2% of the class had a child while in high school. 

I don't know why the sudden media addtion over teenage pregnancy, but geez is it annoying???  From my perspective it is glamourizing the topic, it is perpetuating the idea that pregnancy is easy and so is parenting.  I have experience with both those.. and matter of factly.  It is not.  Neither is easy.  And I could not imagine getting pregnant or having a child as a teenager (for those that have done it and done it well.. you are amazing women, with soo much strength that I am proud to know you).

I do know that our current method of teaching Sex.Ed isn't working, or maybe it could be working but the media has gotten hold of our teens and given them the idea that pregnancy will make you famous.  I mean it worked for the Octo.Pie! And all those Adolescent Momma's out there.. they are getting way more than their 15 minutes of fame.  The Pregnancy.Pact got its own "Made 4 Telie" movie.  Of course even more publicity is being made over the Mempis Momma Madness. 

What is this teaching our teens? Our sons, our daughters? 

Have a baby, the media moguls will pick up the tab. 

When the reality is, that they won't pick up the tab...  you are their cash cow.

I think there could be less "accidental pregnancies" (as if.. I mean seriously it's like a 20% chance to get pregnant each cycle with PERFECTLY timed intercourse!).  If we were actually taught about our reproductive systems.. you know the SHOW and all those BOOGARS!!  We need more fertility awareness to help with the struggle with inferility and the teen pregnancy drama.

P.S. Thanks Hannah, for the idea.. sometimes we just need to RANT!

So much has changed...

I was flipping through photos last night and found some interesting photos from our TTC time period (basically photos of OPK's and HPTs).  There was on that caught my eye:

So I looked at my charts from the same time period and it was definitely a "normal" cycle.  It was actually our first medicated IUI cycle back in January 2009, so although it has the "hint" of a BFP it was most likely left over HCG from the trigger shot, but it is definitely one of those pictures that gets you thinking... hmmm maybe I was wrong.

But I know I wasn't wrong about that test, or our path for parenthood.  As much as there are frustrations and moments when I sit down and cry because I just feel like world is crashing down on me.  Those are the moments that I remember to be thankful, to Thank God for everything that he has given me, yes even my infertility.  Because as surprising as it sounds without that I wouldn't have the marriage/relationship I have with my husband, nor would I have met these amazing children who are my foster children, "A"arron, "B"ella, and "C"indy.

Salt isn't just a Seasoning

Support from family and friends can go a long way in dealing with the emotional struggles of infertility and/or adoption. There are lots of things that seem to be the "normal" response to these topics, but tend to "pour salt in the wound".

I hid our struggles from the majority of our family and even our closest friends.  I hated seeing the pain in their eyes or hearing it in their voice when we had yet another negative pregnancy test.  To me, that pain was salt in my wound... so I didn't talk about it.  I hid my sadness, anger, and envy behind laughter and jokes:  "Who's needs children?  I have three dogs that I can leave unattended while I am at work!" HAHAHAHA! (tears) HAHAHAHA!  Granted I talked about our cycles, our treatments, our struggles, my anger, my disappoinment with a wonderful group of women.. a group of women (thank you WTE Ladies) I may never meet but who have been there for me when I couldn't wouldn't share those things with people I knew/know and love.

So if I had to go back, would I do it differently?  Probably... I'd probably be more open about all of it, so that others could learn, could help me Adjust, Alter, Amend perceptions and conversations.

What can I do now? 

What can you do now?

Ask How You Can Be Supportive:  The best way to be supportive is by asking what you can do. This allows the couple involved to determine the kind of role you will play in support. And it allows them to retain control over a very personal issue. If the couple tells you that there is nothing that you can do, respect their requests, and offer to be there for them in the future should they need you.  Possible offer a hand to hold at a doctor's appointment or buying a mutual friend's baby gift to spare your pal the pain of doing it themselves.

Don't Force the Issue:  Even though you may want to talk about the diagnosis or treatment options that your friends are pursuing, they might not feel the same way. It is important to allow them to discuss their emotions and concerns about infertility in their own time. Don't make comments such as, "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "What treatment are you going to try next?" These comments can be hurtful and inappropriate. Make your friends aware that you are available to talk at any time, but don't force your advice upon them.

Resist Comparisons:  Though it can be tempting to tell your family members about people you know who are also going through fertility treatments, this is generally not a wise idea. Everyone's experience with infertility is different, and most couples who are experiencing it don't want to hear about other people's battles. Unless your family asks you to tell them about other people's experiences, refrain from doing so.

Don't Be Overly Optimistic or Pessimistic:  Fertility treatments can be very successful sometimes. IUI and IVF offer success rates of up to 25% per cycle. However, even if your friend is undergoing treatment, there is a possibility that a pregnancy won't result. Many women do become pregnant, but experience miscarriage early on. So try to avoid being overly optimistic about treatments. However, this does not mean that you should be negative about treatment either. Try to be supportive without leaning one way or the other.

Avoid Recommending Treatments: If a family member or close friend is undergoing fertility treatments, then you will probably be interested in finding out more about these procedures. But try to avoid recommending one procedure over another. Choosing fertility treatment needs to be a personal decision and it should only be made between the individuals directly involved. Feel free to offer support about treatment, but try not to favor one treatment over another.

Remember Both Partners:  There is usually more than one individual involved in an diagnosis of infertility. Unfortunately, because infertility is often seen as a "woman's disease," male partners often get left out of the picture. In fact, up to 50% of infertility diagnoses are due to male factor infertility. It is important that male partners get all the support and concern that you can provide. [Source]

Adjust, Alter, Amend

The way we talk about things in life may be "normal", but should they be? Should we never.. "Adjust, Alter, Amend" our terms, our verbiage, or even our perceptions?

With infertilty.. the "normal" reaction by friends and family is "Who's problem is it?" or "Who's fault is it?" Because that is what they assume, its a problem, a fault, an issue.. not a disease, not something that could be corrected with medical help.

With adoption.. the "normal" reacation by friends and family is "Why'd the mother give up the baby?" or "How could someone give up something so precious?" Because that is what they assume, the parents just threw away the child, they had more important things to do with their life than parent.. not that they CHOSE adoption, that they pondered the consquences of their decision, that they consicously made this decision that will not only affect the rest of their lives, but the rest of the child's life, as well as the adoptive family's lives.

So why not advocate for our friends and family to Adjust, Alter, Amend their percepations and even verbiage when it comes to these very personal and emotially sensitive topics.  Why should we continue to accept the "normal" reactions, instead of requesting the "appropriate" reactions?

Infertility is a painful and difficult time in a person's and a couple's lives... in fact some couples do not survive past the prognosis.  The pain and anger over not being able to conceive outweighs the love they once had for each other.  There are many emotional struggles when dealing with Infertility and then the treatments associated with "curing" it.  But with patience and "appropriate" reactions from friends and family, the emotional struggles can be overcome by the support and love they receive.

Adoption is the same... people don't give up, it isn't a failure to have your child adopted by another family... it is a choice, it is a heartfelt decision to do something so selfless for the child and another family. 

 

So Adjust, Alter, Amend...

"Infertility is a Disease"  and "Adoption is a Choice"

both require two simple, hearfelt things:

Sympathy and Empathy.

Oh yah.. and ummmm... we are also officially licensed. (okay that was a bit nonchalant).. so,

WE ARE OFFICIALLY LICENSED!!

I have a feeling that we will be having quite a few things to Adjust, Alter, Amend in our daily lives, in the very near future.

Still Waters...

Run deep, right?

So because we have like nothing going on the Foster Care front.... I think.. and I think some more (I know you see/smell the smoke).  And what amazes me, is that people still and probably will continue to have hope, that P and I will be able to conceive our own child.

"It only takes one sperm and one egg, ya know?"

"Well, it happens all the time, people don't think they can conceive.. tried everything and wind up pregnant with their own after they adopt!"

Okay, folks.. I've given up hope.. not because I feel hopeless, but because I feel hopeful.  I feel hopeful that our path to parenthood and family, is not one brought to us by biology and bloodlines, but through love, faith, and most importantly hope.  I don't need your hope.. I have my own.  I have hope that the child(ren) that come(s) into our lives will be brought to us because it is our hope, to give a child(ren) a loving and stable home.

I had heard that the realty behind all these *miracle* conceptions (after being told a couple was infertile [which the truth is we are not -- in.fertile --> we are sub.fertile, which in itself is funny because P was a sub.mariner] and the couple moves onto adoption, and succesfully adopts) is actually pretty low... even if it happened to your brother-in-law's, cousin's, best friend's, mother-in-law.  So I googled and found this website:  Statistics on conceptions after adoption.  Basically it says that the rate of biological child after adopting, is between 3% - 10%.  Not exactly the "it happens to everyone" theory that we hear all the time, is it?  So, 90% - 97% never have a biological child after adopting. 

And why do I need the hope of a biological child?  I know that the hope of a child that needs me, is enough for me.. for us.  We are on a path, a journey, for better or worse, together... we have hope that this is the right path for us.  I don't need to be pregnant, give birth, or even adopt to be a family or a parent.  Our path, our hope, is that through Foster Care we can do good.

SO...

because adopting a child, and even fostering a child... will make them "my own"...

AND....

Pins and Needles... a finish line?

So, I should be a pro at doctor's appointments, right?  I mean a year and a half of my life was practically spent at a Fertility Clinic, monthly blood tests, daily self induced needle pokes, and of course the prodding of the U/S to check out the insides.  But after having almost a year off from it... I forgot what it was like.

I had my TB test on Monday morning and some blood work done.  "back in da day" none of it would've created a second thought... wake up at 6am.. go to fertility clinic... get blood drawn for pregnancy test... go to work/home... wait for call.... receive call... results are negative.  In this case... waiting 48 hours for the TB results... I am happy to say.. "its negative"! 

So both P and I have submitted our medical forms and we are just waiting on Pennsylvania to mail their background check back to the agency.  So here we are... standing so close to the finish line that we can see it.. just still so far away.

Happy Sunday!

I realize that today is a "holiday of sorts", and that every blogger out there that has a has blog on similar "Hurdles" posted something about this "holiday of sorts".   I say "holiday of sorts", because the reality is that this day is basically valentine's day for our mom's.  And the other bit of that reality is that on the day in which our dad's are to be given the same sort of graditude and thankfullness, as big of a deal isn't made.  Maybe this isn't true for everyone.  In fact, I am grateful for both of my parents... equally.  And I tell them regularly, that I love them, and appreciate them, and that they were wonderful parents, and that they are still wonderful parents.  That I know that I can count on both of them to be there for me.. no matter what.

This isn't a day in which the "mom's in waiting" or the "someday mom's" shouldn't celebrate.  So what if you aren't celebrating with your child... you too are a child... and you should celebrate the wondferul blessings that your mother gave to you.  

The time she spent teaching you talk, teaching you walk.  The boo-boos she kissed to make you feel better.  The days coming home to a warm cookie and tall glass of milk, in which all your troubles were quickly swept away.  The days that she still loved you, even when you told you her that you didn't feel the same.  The days when she tried to kiss you goodbye, and you turned your cheek.  The days when she yelled at you to clean your room.  Or the chores that you "taught" to do. 

So today, enjoy the day with your mom... rather, thinking about when your day will be.  Because the truth is that it is here.  Today is your day!!  You are a nurturing, caring and loving woman... because of your mom!

what IF

what IF?  What if?

What if... I am always defence.ive about the topic of our inferility?

I am very happy and positive about our decision to stop fertility treatments and our progress towards creating a family through love, rather than genetics.  But no matter how sure I am that we are heading down the RIGHT path (for us) I also find that when a question is asked about the possiblity of a pregnancy or why we stopped our treatments (after 3 natural IUI cycles, 2 medicated IUI cycles, a fresh IVF cycle - with 3 perfect embryos transferred, and a frozen IVF cycle - with the last remaining, also perfect, embryo transferred) that I become defensive and aggitated. 

I don't enjoy this attitude, but I find that the questions asked are personal ones, the reasons are reasons that my husband and I agreed on... yes, after multiple discussions and going back and forth on the topic.  We have elected to pursue parenthood through Foster Care, and eventually pursue a family via Adoption through the Foster Care system.

I feel that if I don't answer the questions, about our fertility treatments the topic won't go away.  But at the same time, when I tell someone we are becoming foster parents, I want to share the joy with them.. the joy I feel knowing that we are doing what is best for us, and what is best for a child.  I don't want to have to answer personal questions about our treatments, or if we used protection, or what exactly is "wrong".  What if I am alwasy aggrevated, annoyed or angry after and/or during these conversations?

On an optomistic side...

What if.... people are educated about IF and understand it truly is a disease, not a choice? 

Through, education I believe the IF'ers of the world will find peace, and I know with the help of orginizations like Resolve, this will become our future.  I will no longer need to feel tense, when at a family function and being asked "When is it your turn to have a baby?", because they will understand when I say "We are pursuing our family through Foster Care."  I won't hear the dreaded personal questions or the @$$vice about what position will work, because it worked for their friend's cousin's sister in-law. 

What if... NIAW and Project IF create an understanding of infertlity?  What if... the government classifies it as a disease and requires insurance companies to cover FT's?  What if... people accept infertility as a disease not a choice?  What if... people are happy for us and share our joy in our decision on how we will become parents and grow our family? 

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This post is part of the WHAT IF project, part of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th–May 1st).  Read more about how infertility affects the lives of women on this blog. For more information on infertility, go to the RESOLVE website. For information on National Infertility Awareness Week.

n . i . a . w

Well, I am coming in at the tail end of this.. but just wanted to get some informaiton out there.  For those of you that aren't aware.. this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, it is a time to raise awareness about infertility, the fact that it is a disease that affects both men and women alike, and that approximately 7.3 million (yes.. MILLION) people suffer from it.

For more information please visit the Resolve.org website (either by clicking here or the link to the left).  Also check out these Myths and Facts about Infertility from the Resolve website.

Infertility 101:

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.


Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!


Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!


Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!


Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

and my personal favorite:

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!


Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

I wish...

We could all spend some time in someone else's shoes, because it never ceases to amaze me how much we take for granted or whine about on a regular basis.  For example, I relentessly complain about my subfertility or the perceived (yes, he is a big help) lack of help from P, but the reality is that I wouldn't change my life or its path for a minute.  Yes, there are days when it is overwhelming!  There are days, when I can't find myself able to laugh off the stuff that I usually brush under the rug.  Those days, I wish life were easier than it is, but later I realize that if it were easier... if just one hurdle wasn't as high or as difficult, I never would have learned the lessons of how sweet life truly is.

This week I have been quite reflective (probably because of being assinged to help out the family law group -- d.i.v.o.r.c.e) and even a bit mushy (go ahead and squirm!).  Funny thing is that P. has even noticed my overly affectionate behavior.

♥  I have a warm and caring husband,

whom I can't imagine my life without him, he brings me up and supports me. 

♥  I have an amazing younger sister,

who is always available to listen and give sound advice or a comforting word.

♥  I have beautfiul friends,

who may not be close in distance but are always close to my heart.

♥  I have a loving family,

a network of people whom may or may not be related by blood,

but who always are willing to share their hearts.

There are days, when just having empathy for another is enough to realize that the path you may be on, isn't the one you would have necessarily chosen but its definitely worth the ride.  I am excited for the new adventures to come our way, and am blessed that I can share them.  Life has its ups and downs, but those sweet moments would definitely be less memorable without the lemons.

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Okay enough of the "life lessons"... Home Study is Saturday!! I am a ball of emotions.. scared, nervous, excited, giddy (yes, still giddy), and dreading the amount of cleaning that needs to get done!

Anyone up for a visit.. I could use some help!?!?

Share and Tell

There are a few blogs that I frequent, most are about adoption, infertility, pregnancy, families, and even just life.  Today I wanted to "share and tell" about an blog dedicated to not for profit "Parenthood For Me".  E. started her non-profit after her own battles with infertility and writes the blog to help with that effort (she is an amazing women, whom I may never meet IRL, but am blessed to follow her journey, share her moments, and support her efforts through the connection of the web).

This morning I read her blog and had to share, because the struggles of infertility/conception shouldn't be kept in the dark.  So, please take a few minutes out of this gloomy, rainy Saturday and head on over to E.'s latest blog post "Our Fertility Is Not A Guarantee".  Also, please check out her non-profit at ParenthoodForMe.org and another amazing non-profit Resolve.org.

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As for my weekend.... I'll be busy with some homework, exams, reading, housework, a little shopping, and of course finishing up the T's Room!!  Might as well do something productive and fun when being outside isn't possible!

EXTRA! EXTRA!! Read All About It!!

INFERTILITY DEFINED AS A DISEASE
BY WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION!!

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Okay so this is a bit of "old" news.. not some late breaking story, but it should be broadcast as Headline News at any rate! I learned of this knowledge through a fellow infertile blogger & mummie (luv.. luv... luv.. the stuff she writes about by the way - lots of wonderful infoe.mation!)

Anywho, late last fall/early winter the ASRM published a press release citing that the WHO (hahaha I think about the rock band when I hear that - good music by the way) now define infertlity as a disease.

Wonderful!!We are diseased men and women because we are unable to bear children. Yup, you read that right.. a disease.. like something gross with puss and goo (oh my.. could you imagine if that is what the symptome was... okay... delete mental picture..delete.. delete!!) Good thing it isn't contagious, what would the world's population come to?

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Still on the same topic, but a more of a side note, there are a few somewhat recent cases and rulings that concern infertilty†.

Hall v. Nalco Company, No. 06-3684: Cheryl Hall was employed by Nalco. In 2003, and requested a leave of absence to undergo IVF (invtro-fertalization). Unfortunately her first attempt resulted in a BFN, but Hall tried again. However, Nalco terminated her employment. Hall then filed suit alleging that she was illegally fired in violation of the Pregnancy Discrimination Act (PDA). Her initial suit was dismissed on the grounds that "infertile women are not a protected class under the PDA because infertility is a gender-neutral condition." However, on appeal, the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals, reversed the dismissal. The appellate court held that infertility treatments are covered under federal law!And noted that "[t]he focus of any Title VII sex discrimination claim is ‘whether the employer treated the employee differently because of the employee’s sex.’" In this the court recognized that infertility affects both men and women. However, the court also noted that Hall claimed "that she was terminated for undergoing a medical procedure – a particular form of surgical impregnation – performed only on women on account of their childbearing capacity." The court then relied on the United States Supreme Court decision in City of L.A., Dep’t. of Water & Power v. Manhart, 435 U.S. 702, 711 (1978), the which held that "[b]ecause adverse employment action based on child-bearing capacity will always result in ‘treatment of a person in a manner which but for that person’s sex would be different,’ Hall’s allegations present a cognizable claim of sex discrimination under Title VII."

So with this decision there is a chance that for certain types of Infertility Treatment may be eligible for the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) and as stated above the Pregnancy Discrimination Act (PDA)†.

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† This is not legal advice and should not be taken as such, please consult a qualified attorney in your area to confirm/verify/question the statements herein.

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Amendments & Modifications

As a paralegal, I dealing with Amendments and Modifications regularly. In fact it was what I was primarly doing when I was working at a bank.. amending and modifying commercial loans. I prepare amendments every so often now, but not on a daily basis (maybe weekly). However, I am not here to discuss my career, because I am not in some sort of dillusional state in which people actually enjoy reading about the legal field, plus what I do is honestly kind of boring.

The reality is that there has been an Amendement and Modification to our adoption plans. We have decided to pursue foster adoption rather than domestic infact adoption. I am not sure why we had the change of heart... we've discussed fostering before but always felt reluctant to actually pursue it.

I am not naive about the process, in fact (for those of you that don't know) I have 4 foster brothers (Big A - 18, Lil A - 17, D - 14, & B - 12). They didn't grow up in the house with the 5 of us, but I've been on the phone listening to the struggles, giving advice and even being a big sister (when needed). The boys are wonderful additions to the family and the growth they show is a testimate to my parents patience, discipline, structure and understanding (a lot of discipline and structure).

The positive sides are vast... we can continute to try and conceive (without worrying about any reprecussions from the agency), we have an opportunity to give back to society by opening our hearts and home to needy children and families, and we get the joy of hearing the pitter patter of footsteps around the house... oh and we get to play with toys (seriously, that's the best part.. isn't that why people become parents?), one more point to mention the financial cost is minimal. As far as we can see it.. its a WIN - WIN!!

P.S. don't forget to "delurk"!

Envy vs. Sadness

So, last night I found out yet another high school friend is pregnant. I was telling my husband about it and he said "You sound jealous." I told him "I am not jealous I am sad." He replied "Sounds like jealousy." I gave up on the conversation.

But today I am thinking about it again... Am I sad or am I jealous? What's the difference? I honestly don't know. I know that I am not angry or mad that they are pregnant, but when I look down at my empty belly, reflect on our failed attempts, ponder the wonders of parenthoood.. I am sad for myself and for us.

The holidays could be so much more wonderful with a child involved. The focus wouldn't be on us, but on them. Our life would be so much more enriched with a child. To see the world the eyes of a child is a blessing most don't acknowledge the wonders of, because it is a regular occurance in thier household.

I am excited that we are completing our formal application for domestic adoption and I want to scream it from the rooftops that eventaully we'll be "paper pregnant". But there is something stopping me from doing so... the fear of pity. I don't want people to pity us, I want them to be happy for us and rejoice in our efforts to start our family as they would if I were telling them we were trying to conceive or we were expecting. But I am not naive enough to think that is the reaction we would get.. so until we have been selected as an adoptive family no one will see an email or status update saying "We are adopting!!"

Six Months Ago

Six months ago we found out that the FET (frozen embryo transfer) failed.. we were not expecting... I was not pregnant with a little miracle penguin.

Six months ago equates to a half year that has lapsed and I still get teary eyed thinking about the dashed hopes and dreams we had that day. Our final attempt at having a biological child had failed. The Penguins had won the Stanly Cup, on the opponent's ice, in Game 7.. but our penguin couldn't do what needed to be done to make us parents.

Six months ago.

Reflecting....

There are days when I remember what it was like to be naive about conception and the female body.. I miss those days.

I miss not knowing that there was only a 20% chance to conceive each cycle.

I miss not knowing that a woman's body produces different types of cervical mucus and some those are hostile to sperm.

I miss not knowing that the cervix changes position and texture depending on what phase of the menstrual cycle a woman is in.

I miss not knowing that the different types of hormones that flow through a woman's body and what those hormones do.

I miss not knowing that progesterone is the source of so many "pregnancy like" symptoms.

I miss not knowing what cycle day I am on.

I miss the utter shock of realizing that I can't remember when my last period was... and not knowing if I am late.

I miss the days when being intimate was about being intimate and not about making a baby because "its that time".

All in all, although I miss that stuff... I have to say I am happy I've gone through it. I think that the struggle of infertility, the obessesion over pregnancy, and the what seemed like never ending doctor's appointments really have brought my husband and I closer. We've shared in some of the most hopeful moments and some of the most heartbreaking moments through this process. All in all we've found strength in one another.. and a continued trust that no matter what we will always have each other.

I am honestly and completely in love with that man.. sometimes so much that it hurts.

Ah Ha...

She's here... I started spotting yesterday afternoon. And woke up with a full blown new cycle. There is always that part of me that wishes she wouldn't come and then there is the realistic side knows she will... eventually she'll show up... it seems as though it never fails. After 1 cycle of Clomid, 3 Natural IUI cycles, 2 medicated IUI cycles, 1 Fresh IVF cycle and 1 Frozen IVF cycle... I know she'll come. It's disheartening to say the least, but as I said before, at least time we are the road to adoption... so even if I do get my period every cycle from here till menopause... I'll still be a mom.

So here is to the first night with my new sleeping companion, The OV Watch. I let you know how it goes tomorrow. And I post a pic of my Fertility Friend Chart and the watch (oh FF updated their system to include the watch as an ovulation monitor - how sweet is that?).

Have a wonderful Saturday!!