Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Vernacular & Tidbits

Through the years of failed natural conception and FTs, I've learned a few crazy things about the female body. And some of which are pretty odd and confusing... mostly because I am honestly not sure why we aren't taught this stuff in health class. We are just taught that:

Unprotected Sex = STDs + Babies

Well that certainly isn't true in my case. My habitat is healthy, yet barren. And we've had YEARS of unprotected sex. Mind you, the knowledge of my future barren habitat would not have created some unhealthy desire to fornicate without protection, but at least I would have known what was going on down there.

Anywho, I added a "Tabbed Menu" to the blog... one of the tabs includes a list of the abbreviations and crazy made up words I use. I figured it would help everyone (including myself) so that I don't have to keep defining the acronyms... okay, yes its because I am lazy. I also wanted to clarify some of the my faux words for you.

PSA: The following may be of graphic nature and should not be read with a full mouth. The images associated with the text may also cause rapid expulsion of fluids should they be present in your mouth at the time of viewing.

So, there is this thing that your cervix does during your cycle. It moves and it changes texture and it opens up and stuff comes out of it.

If you check your cervix (yes this means violating yourself) you can figure out if you're fertile (ovulation is impending) or not. You can't tell anything else from it, well.. that's not entirely true you can tell if your AF is coming, but that is only because it opens back up to let AF out of your habitat. So when you're not fertile its low and firm (like the tip of your nose and you can reach it with your pinky or ring finger really easily)... Go ahead and go to the bathroom. I'll be here waiting... listening to some elevator music.

♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬ ♩♪♫♬

Okay, you're back. Yes, I know it might not have felt like your nose. But that is because I haven't told you about the other textures. It can also be soft.. kinda like your lips. And if it wasn't either of these than it was "medium" basically somewhere in between the two.
Anyway, when you're fertile you want it to be Soft, High, Open, and Wet... because its "SHOWtime"!! SHOWtimeBasically, it means that you're going to ovulate at some point in the near future. So, if you are TTCing.. then ummm this post will be here later... GO FIND YOUR MAN!!

This stuff that comes out is called "cervical mucous"... and this stuff changes too.Photobucket It can be non-existent, or lotion like, or watery.. or like boogers. Yes, boogers, snot, nasty stuff that comes out your nose when you have a cold!! And yes, this is supposed to happen.. this is actually the stuff that helps you get a baby bump! "Cervical Boogers" (aka EWCM = Egg White Cervical Mucous - because they have the consistency of egg whites when you are seperating the whites from the yolk) are GOOD! And as a TTCer you get super excited when you see these nasty things... in fact women take cough medicine (when they aren't sick) to help make more of this stuff!

And now onto the fun stuff (yah, I know violating yourself is always entertaining, but trust me this next section will really be an attention grabber and have you at the edge of your seats)!!

So we also have "Sturm"... Stuff (Semenial Fluid) + Sperm = Sturm. PhotobucketSometimes, "Sturm" falls out. Well, its not actually the sperm... it could be, but if there are any sperm that "fall out" then they're probably not healthy ones (this is a guess though). Personally... I lose "sturm" when I am not ready for "SHOWtime"... so its more normal than not. And yes it is gross!

PhotobucketAnd finally... "Her.Moans". No these aren't screams thrown out during a passionate session of BD'ing... these are the things that cause us complete and utter misery/confusion during the TWW and AFs visit. These pesky little things are actually the result of one hormone.. Progesterone (I hate this thing!). Progesterone causes every possible symptom/sign... cramps, plump BBs, sore BBs, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, mood swings, elevated BBTs, prolonged LPs, just plane ole misery and torture! And I know that the men, think that this stuff is directed at them... but we can't help it its the "Her.Moans".



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