So much has changed...

I was flipping through photos last night and found some interesting photos from our TTC time period (basically photos of OPK's and HPTs).  There was on that caught my eye:

So I looked at my charts from the same time period and it was definitely a "normal" cycle.  It was actually our first medicated IUI cycle back in January 2009, so although it has the "hint" of a BFP it was most likely left over HCG from the trigger shot, but it is definitely one of those pictures that gets you thinking... hmmm maybe I was wrong.

But I know I wasn't wrong about that test, or our path for parenthood.  As much as there are frustrations and moments when I sit down and cry because I just feel like world is crashing down on me.  Those are the moments that I remember to be thankful, to Thank God for everything that he has given me, yes even my infertility.  Because as surprising as it sounds without that I wouldn't have the marriage/relationship I have with my husband, nor would I have met these amazing children who are my foster children, "A"arron, "B"ella, and "C"indy.

Whirlwind

Yes, our lives have RAPIDLY changed but not as drastically as you would think.  Our "typical" (aka prior to our foster children) weekends consisted of going out to dinner, homework, errands, chores and maybe even a fire with some vino (or beer or some other tasty beverage) on the patio.  This past weekend really wasn't that much different... except we had 3 kids in tow.

Friday afternoon I picked up the girls from the agency and "Cindy" nearly knocked me over when she ran towards me to give me a hug.  They both asked, over and over again, how long they were staying with us, if it was for One Day, Two Days, Free Days, the Whole Week or Forever.  I told them that would stay the WHOLE WEEK and then the next week, and the next week.  I really don't know how to explain that it will be until at least December (when their permanancy hearing is), because I think that in their minds that would Forever. 

Friday night we had dinner (which the girls ate fairly well -- BBQ Chicken, Stuffing, and Sugar Snap Peas) and then we let them roast marshmellows... they were absolutely excited about the prospect of going outside in their pajamas and then "helping" P. roast the marshmellows.  They each had one GIANT marshmellow and then washed up for bedtime.

Saturday we spent the day at the outlets to get some new clothes/shoes for the girls (they came with shoes that were too small! and some clothes that have been now designated as "play clothes").  Then we went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack... mmmmm seafood (even if it is frozen, its still yummy).  They behaved pretty well, I think they were overly excited to be at a restaurant other than McD's.  After we hit the grocery store.. at this point I think "Bella" had had enough of the shopping day, and just couldn't keep her hands to herself.  We even attempted to bribe good behavior by showing them a toy they could "earn" if they behaved.  Hahahaa!! Yah they SOO did not end up with toys!  Then we got home, had bathtime and then bedtime.

Sunday was an AMAZING day!  "Bella" was absolutely wonderful at church.. she used her "quiet voice" and sat still (on my lap).  Afterwards we let them sit down and have apple juice and talk to the other children for their good behavoir, while we talked to the adults.  We then met up with a friend, M., and her children at the playground for a picnic and some fun.  The girls LOVED it!!  I swear "Bella" would have let P. push her on the swings the entire time!  While "Cindy" played with M.'s 6 year son and road the big wheel (she's a bit small for it still, but she figured out how to reach the pedals all on her own).  Then it was time to go home and play in the sprinkler (it was over 90 that day! whhhewww) and afterward was dinner (grilled chicken and salad -- yah so not a fan of this one, but they ate half of it with the dressing on it), Sunday night movie (Underdog.. its actually pretty good if you haven't seen it), and bedtime.

Monday (this post sure is turning into something longer than intended) was the first day of daycare school.  The girls both did really well, so I am told.  They were even excited to go today (well, "Bella" is excited until she sees me leave.. then the pouting starts, but I am sure 10 minutes later she is happy as clam).

13 weeks and...

Countdown:  Full Day 11 of a 14 day Respite Placement

Everytime Aarron looks at me I swear this is what he is thinking.. he even has the "Happy Bunny" grin and all!!  We've had quite a few restless nights the past few days.  He has decided that the best place to be at all times and even to sleep is in my arms.  Yah, basically not the most comfortable place for me! 

Tonight, I tried something a bit different... I downloaded an MP3 of a heartbeat (the CD also has a washing machine, hair dryer, and a few other "soothing sounds" -- okay.. an electric razor will not soothe me, but infants have an odd sense of what is "soothing").  So as I type I can hear the heartbeat on the baby monitor.  And I even put him to bed while he was awake... GASP!! (he was nodding off in my arms before I laid him down) He got a bit cranky after spitting out his pacifier.. so I went back up to his bedroom, gave him his pacifier back.  And turned up the volume on the CD player. -- knock on wood -- after an hour he is soundly sleeping.  Stay Tuned for how the night actually goes....

"Music and the Monitors"

Countdown:  Full Day 2 of a 14 day Respite Placement

"I need these monitors right here

Music and the monitors, and it goes a little something

Like this here ah huh ah huh ah"

                                                         ~ DJ Kool

Conversation with P. (early 2010 -- sometime during the licensing process - paraphrased):

P: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Me: "Why wouldn't I be ready?"

P: "Well, you don't really like to get up in the morning."

Me: "Of course I don't.. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning. Are you ready for this?"

P: "Yah, why?"

Me: "So, you're ready to get up in the middle of the night... you can sleep through everything, even a shoe in your back." (sorry P.  I am pretty sure it was a bit of a jab when we actually had the conversation)

Flashfoward to this morning

(day 2 of respite):

Time:  6:25am

P: "Hey, the baby is crying."

Me (groggy from just being woke up): "whaaa?"

P: "The baby's crying.  Is the monitor on?"

Me (still groggy): "Oh he is crying... I guess it wasn't on."

P: "And I wasn't going to hear the baby."

So day 3 was off to a great start.. but let's discuss day 2 first (our first night and full day together).  He slept from 11:00pm to 6:30am.  I slept from 12:00am to 3:00am and then off and on till 6:00am (when P.'s alarm went off for him to go to work).  I woke up everytime I heard Aaron.  I was anxious that I would hear him in the "monitor", but I did.. I heard every wince, giggle, whimper, whine, sneeze, and cough). 

Overall day 2 went really well.  He napped after his bottle (about 6 oz) and then woke up and another bottle (4 oz).  We went and got the paperwork for day care on Monday and to the store to get an infant carrier for P.'s car.  I attempted some housework, but didn't get much done, between feedings, entertaining, and diaper changing.  We even managed to get of the house last night and attend a concert in the park with Aarron.  Aarron slept from 10:00pm till 6:30am (as seen in above's conversation). 

Today we spent the morning at the house and did a few errands.  We picked up some clothes for the baby (he was sent with some things that had holes in them and/or too small for him.  I get this, but I feel bad for him.  Why would you send clothes that don't fit the child to another foster family?  I have no intention of keeping his the other family's clothes.), more bottles, the cutest little sandals (I couldn't resist) and then went grocery shopping.  He slept through most of our adventures, but woke up just as we left Babies-R-Us to go grocery shopping to eat a few more ounces.  At this point P. asked how many times he eats a day... and I said about 8 times...

Do you know what babies and hobbits have in common? 

Mealtimes. 

They both eat breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper. 

All in all, things are going really well.  Aarron is mostly a content and happy little guy.  It is a great first placement.

By the way... I still remember that he isn't mine.  Twice yesterday people commented about how beautiful he is and asked his age.  Upon hearing he was just 12 weeks, they would promptly look at me and then have this dirty look in their eyes as if they were thinking "b!tch.. i can't believe she that thin after having a baby!" i am have tempted to then say "oh, yah I have been doing the 'rotten egg' diet".

Zero to Sixty

So, after just getting licensed last Wednesday, we got a call yesterday (exactly 1 week later) for respite care.  For those of you not familiar, respite care is basically babysitting for another foster family.  The time for respite can vary from an evening, to a weekend, to a week, or longer.. it all depends on how much the family needs (and the reasoning can vary from vacations, to just needing a break for a date night, to family emergencies).  Well, for our respite care we will be caring for a 10 week old baby boy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) "Aarron" (I am following in the footsteps of storm names.. starting out with A.. obviously our next placement will begin with a B) for the next 2 weeks. 

I picked up Aarron this afternoon, stopped by a friends house for some much needed (incredibly generous and kind) baby stuff (a swing, a bouncy seat, a bath, a "snugli" and a floor/tummy time toy -- which he absolutely loves!).  We chatted for a bit.. then I was off to the homestead, but a made another pitstop at another friend's house (just so she could meet Aarron).

I managed to carry everything into the house (not all at once) and then got Aarron situated, and then took care of the dogs (potty time, dinner time.. yada, yada).  Then P. came home while I was feeding the baby (by the way.. this baby is not little.. he is a chunka monka man-baby!)  and then we did our dinner thing, while the baby napped for a bit.  And I quickly ran out to Target to get some necessities (a diaper pail, wipes, bibs, burp rags, bath supplies, bottles, extra sheets, etc. --> thanks for the gift cards everyone.. they REALLY came in handy!!  oh and the bathroom safety kit had a water thermometer.. AWESOME!  its a fish that floats and reads the water temp).  While I was out, I got a phone call (which I didn't hear.. my phone has no service in any of the big box stores --- do you think that's because they don't want you communicating with the outside world when you are debating a purchase?!?)  but I did get his text.. "I think someone's hungry"  So I texted back.. "there's a bottle on the counter".  I then called another friend, while waiting for a register (Thanks M!!) "Ummm.. could you help me?  I just wanna make sure I have everything that I will for at least tonight." and I ran through the everything that was in my carriage (yes is my Rhodey talk.. its a carriage.. not a cart there).  She agreed that I'd be good for at least tonight, anyway, and couldn't think of anything to add.. although, as I was talking to her I remembered I needed hypoallergenic laundry detergent... so I grabbed that.. and then began the checkout process.

I got home.. started washing some of the new things. And basically organized the diaper bag, the bedroom, the bathroom, while P. continued watching Aarron.  Then it was bathtime (which he didn't actually like unless you were dumping water under his neck.  Then time for bed... which I found he can only be walked.  No rocking, no stopping, no sitting... just walking.  He is now in the crib.. sleeping soundly (and supposedly he sleeps through the night.. we'll see).

So for now.. Good Night...

what IF

what IF?  What if?

What if... I am always defence.ive about the topic of our inferility?

I am very happy and positive about our decision to stop fertility treatments and our progress towards creating a family through love, rather than genetics.  But no matter how sure I am that we are heading down the RIGHT path (for us) I also find that when a question is asked about the possiblity of a pregnancy or why we stopped our treatments (after 3 natural IUI cycles, 2 medicated IUI cycles, a fresh IVF cycle - with 3 perfect embryos transferred, and a frozen IVF cycle - with the last remaining, also perfect, embryo transferred) that I become defensive and aggitated. 

I don't enjoy this attitude, but I find that the questions asked are personal ones, the reasons are reasons that my husband and I agreed on... yes, after multiple discussions and going back and forth on the topic.  We have elected to pursue parenthood through Foster Care, and eventually pursue a family via Adoption through the Foster Care system.

I feel that if I don't answer the questions, about our fertility treatments the topic won't go away.  But at the same time, when I tell someone we are becoming foster parents, I want to share the joy with them.. the joy I feel knowing that we are doing what is best for us, and what is best for a child.  I don't want to have to answer personal questions about our treatments, or if we used protection, or what exactly is "wrong".  What if I am alwasy aggrevated, annoyed or angry after and/or during these conversations?

On an optomistic side...

What if.... people are educated about IF and understand it truly is a disease, not a choice? 

Through, education I believe the IF'ers of the world will find peace, and I know with the help of orginizations like Resolve, this will become our future.  I will no longer need to feel tense, when at a family function and being asked "When is it your turn to have a baby?", because they will understand when I say "We are pursuing our family through Foster Care."  I won't hear the dreaded personal questions or the @$$vice about what position will work, because it worked for their friend's cousin's sister in-law. 

What if... NIAW and Project IF create an understanding of infertlity?  What if... the government classifies it as a disease and requires insurance companies to cover FT's?  What if... people accept infertility as a disease not a choice?  What if... people are happy for us and share our joy in our decision on how we will become parents and grow our family? 

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This post is part of the WHAT IF project, part of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th–May 1st).  Read more about how infertility affects the lives of women on this blog. For more information on infertility, go to the RESOLVE website. For information on National Infertility Awareness Week.

I wish...

We could all spend some time in someone else's shoes, because it never ceases to amaze me how much we take for granted or whine about on a regular basis.  For example, I relentessly complain about my subfertility or the perceived (yes, he is a big help) lack of help from P, but the reality is that I wouldn't change my life or its path for a minute.  Yes, there are days when it is overwhelming!  There are days, when I can't find myself able to laugh off the stuff that I usually brush under the rug.  Those days, I wish life were easier than it is, but later I realize that if it were easier... if just one hurdle wasn't as high or as difficult, I never would have learned the lessons of how sweet life truly is.

This week I have been quite reflective (probably because of being assinged to help out the family law group -- d.i.v.o.r.c.e) and even a bit mushy (go ahead and squirm!).  Funny thing is that P. has even noticed my overly affectionate behavior.

♥  I have a warm and caring husband,

whom I can't imagine my life without him, he brings me up and supports me. 

♥  I have an amazing younger sister,

who is always available to listen and give sound advice or a comforting word.

♥  I have beautfiul friends,

who may not be close in distance but are always close to my heart.

♥  I have a loving family,

a network of people whom may or may not be related by blood,

but who always are willing to share their hearts.

There are days, when just having empathy for another is enough to realize that the path you may be on, isn't the one you would have necessarily chosen but its definitely worth the ride.  I am excited for the new adventures to come our way, and am blessed that I can share them.  Life has its ups and downs, but those sweet moments would definitely be less memorable without the lemons.

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Okay enough of the "life lessons"... Home Study is Saturday!! I am a ball of emotions.. scared, nervous, excited, giddy (yes, still giddy), and dreading the amount of cleaning that needs to get done!

Anyone up for a visit.. I could use some help!?!?

Progress

Well, we made some significant progress on the T's Room... second coat of paint is up, touch-ups are completed, and the chair rail is up. I have a little bit of touch up to do (wood putty to fill in the nails and paint it to match the rest of the trim in the house), but all in all it looks wonderful!!  At least I am we are pleased with how it has turned out.  For now I am leaving the one wall bare, I think that the brown and the chair rail have added enough to the room, without the need for stripes or diamonds on one wall.

I hope to swap out the futon for the conversion crib this week/weekend.  And get a crib/toddler mattress for it, so that I can set it up as a toddler bed before the home study (on March 27^th).  I've also picked out the bedding... it took forever to find something that wasn't exculsively for a baby, a boy, or a girl.  I know that there is plenty out there that is labeled "unisex" but when you really look at it, it either looks like something for a nursery or still somewhat girlie!  I really wanted something that would fit our age range (infant to 6 years old), and I am sorry but Bunnies just do not go with a 5 year old boy's bedroom.  So, I settled on the Dr. Seuss (thanks J!) ABC bed in a bag... it comes with top sheet, bottom sheet, pillow case, and quilt:

I really like the other items that they have, but think could be just too much of one theme.  I am hoping to accent the room with the colors in the polka dots (red, yellow, green, blue, etc.).  And maybe even find some Dr. Suess wall art... most likey I'll draw/paint something and frame them (yes, I have some artistic talent).  Oh, I have plenty of time to accessorize!

Share and Tell

There are a few blogs that I frequent, most are about adoption, infertility, pregnancy, families, and even just life.  Today I wanted to "share and tell" about an blog dedicated to not for profit "Parenthood For Me".  E. started her non-profit after her own battles with infertility and writes the blog to help with that effort (she is an amazing women, whom I may never meet IRL, but am blessed to follow her journey, share her moments, and support her efforts through the connection of the web).

This morning I read her blog and had to share, because the struggles of infertility/conception shouldn't be kept in the dark.  So, please take a few minutes out of this gloomy, rainy Saturday and head on over to E.'s latest blog post "Our Fertility Is Not A Guarantee".  Also, please check out her non-profit at ParenthoodForMe.org and another amazing non-profit Resolve.org.

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As for my weekend.... I'll be busy with some homework, exams, reading, housework, a little shopping, and of course finishing up the T's Room!!  Might as well do something productive and fun when being outside isn't possible!

Calamities & Chaos

Well, P. & spent the weekend "attempting" to "spruce up" the future Tyke (or Tykette's) room (we'll just refer to it as "the T's room" from now on).  We have settled on a paint scheme (as I said in the prior post, we have TONS of paint in the basement and also have the Color Chart so that I can actually figure out what each can actually contained.  As I said before I have a variety of colors (but wanted to keep the T's room in nuetral tones.. browns, tans, begie.. bland basically, but still better than all beige.

We decided on Sherwin Williams (that is what is in the basement) Terra Brun & Macadmia.  The trim is already white, so we are going leave it as is, but add a chair rail on most of the walls, except one which will have stripes of the Brown & Beige colors.  I got to play with Sherwin Williams Visualizer (you can upload a photo and tape it off to show the color scheme.  The paint colors aren't exact, but still you can get the jist of what it will look like (hopefully, we can do a better job than I did in the editor):

Of course, as with any "do it yourself" home project, we had our issues....  the wall that has the wooden shelves on it also had this odd board (it was painted the color of the wall, but was just odd).  So we decided to remove it, in hindsight we should have left it as is... because we ended up putting a hole in the wall.  Thankfully, patching the hole wasn't difficult because the peice of the wall was still attached, so we pulled it back to being flush and patched it.  And then we thought it'd be a great idea to use a spray gun (you know like professional painters do?)... except there was one minor major problem.  We are not professionals... we are not even capable of being ametuers.  Using a spray painter means that you have to do A LOT of prep work... lots of taping and covering (we didn't do that)... so now we have overspray on the upper half of the wall.  Thankfully, I hadn't painted that portion... so that'll get completed this coming weekend.

Despite our "calamities" it was actually fun to get the room started.  So here's to putting the proverbial "cart before the horse" and purchasing a few items... here and there, to get the room ready for any future T's. 

Lightbulbs & Closets

Well, the "lightbulb" went on late Wednesday night... I was chatting with a wonderful friend, L., about our failed fertility treatments and the feelings that follow. Honestly, for those that have TTCd for a long time, without success, the first few months "off" are horrible... you feel lost. No more waking up at the same time EVERYDAY to take your temperature, you aren't peeing on sticks to compare the color of the lines, no more violating yourself to figure out the position of your cervix and its "boogers", you aren't plugging in all this data to help calculate your best opportunity conceive, no more "forcing" yourself on your DH/SO because "it's SHOWtime". And you even have this feeling that becuase you aren't doing this stuff, you will miss that one perfect egg and that one perfect sperm joining to create that one perfect baby. UCK! And during the middle of this conversation.. the lightbulb went on! Not about TTC or FTs... but about my mood, my sadness, my need to just cry for no reason.

Had my FET been successful, I would be ready to "POP" with our little penguin. My EDD would have been tomorrow (Feb. 28th, 2010). These thoughts occur to me, every so often, about how many children we'd have, how old they'd be, or even how far along I'd be if any of these efforts had worked. A friend recently told me (when I revealed the "lightbulb") that:

"The Mind may not remember,
but the Soul never forgets..."

That is more true than anyone could ever imagine. I think your soul is stricken by your heartache and remembers to greive. So here we are in my metophorical "closet" with the lightbulb finally on... knowing now that my mind will never forget, but hoping that my soul will heal.

And on a more happy note... a physical closet in one of our bedrooms is FULL of books (please do not stare too long at the wall color, you may develop epilepsy -- and I will not be held accountable for the seizures you incur - for some reason the color isn't as bright as it is in person... its LIME GREEN!):

We have to buy some bookcases to get this disaster cleaned up... and honestly its not our fault. When we bought the house, every nook, cranny, shelf & closet (including the pantry) had books on them as "filler". Most are hardcovers (not that we'll read them) and we couldn't throw them out. So now we need to spend a few "benjamins" on new bookcases. I am hoping to get this done this weekend (after homework is completed, that is). Because this is one of the projects that we now needs to be done prior to our Home Study (which still isn't scheduled, because the supervisor who assigns case workers is on vacation for another week).

And here is the future tyke's room:

I have them too....

I know that most people view me as being "Strong" and I guess for the most part I am. I continue to pursue the dream of having a family (whether that be biologically or through adoption) and maybe it takes strength to continue on this path, but I feel more like I am driven by the possiblity of regret. I don't want to look back and think "Well, maybe we didn't try hard enough."

And there are days (like today) that I feel anything but strong. I feel selfish and sad, sometimes even jealous... the anger left a long time ago. On Sunday, at church, we were asked to fill out an index card with a prayer we would say daily during lent. My first reaction was to write "I pray that God gives a baby that we can keep." I looked over at P. (as he had his index card in his hand) and asked "What are you going to pray for?" he replied "A baby." and I asked "Don't you feel selfish praying for that?" he responded "Yeah, but its what we really want." I still couldn't bring myself to write that on the card (even though no one was going to read it -- it is to stay sealed throughout for the next 40 days). I felt guilty for even thinking it, maybe because I've prayed for that for the past few years and it hasn't happened. I wrote down something else... A prayer that was still a little less self indulgent, but still revolved around family. I sealed it in the envelope and asked P. what he wrote... interestingly, it was along the same lines as my prayer... Neither of us wrote about our true want, but instead we will be praying for our "need".



Anywho, today is one of "THOSE" days.... A day that I am missing my friends, because they understand. A day that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, for no reason. A day that just can't go by fast enough. A day when I am feeling anything but strong.

P.R.I.D.E. Training 101: The 2nd & Final Round

On Saturday we finished up our P.R.I.D.E. Training!  It was much better this go round than the last one.  The side topics were kept to a minimum and the discussions were actually really informative.  We watched a few videos, filled out some worksheets and reviewed a sample case file.  All of which lead to more talking and delving deeper into our own desires to become Foster/Adoptive Parents.  That is of course the purpose of the training...

Can you relinquish a child that back to their parents?

Can you handle the child's behavioral/emotional issues?

Can you handle the parent's behavioral/emotional issues?

Who can you rely on when things are hard to handle?

Not exactly easy questions to answer, are they.  You may think you know the answers, but until you really start evaluating the questions and your emotional response to those questions you won't have your true answer.  Now onto worksheets... because their purpose is to help you answer those questions.

Our first assignment was to review our support groups.  Who are the groups/organizations and people we can get support from?  Which groups/organizations and people we will get the most support from? Which groups/organizations and people will we need to support?  For us this was a little hard to answer, because the "typical" support group is family... and ours don't live near us, so we had to think "outside the box". (If anyone lives nearby and wants to step up.. we'd gladly accept the support)

The second assignment was really telling... we had to create an EcoMap, basically a roadmap to our relationships and the connections therein.  Which ones are strong relationship, which ones are tenuous, which ones are stressful and which ones have a flow of resources. Basically, when dealing with these relationship what type of emotional response do I get?  Does dealing with this person/group cause stress in my life?  Do I feel tense when having to deal with this group/person?  Is the relationship healthy in that it is a give & take situation?  Is there a strong bond with this  person/group?  I think that the EcoMap is a really good way of assessing your relationships even if you aren't going through Foster Care/Adoption.  You need to know who you can count on.  Sometimes, when you evaluate things you realize that certain relationships aren't as "healthy" as they should be.

Now that we have finished our training, we move onto the "licensing" phase, which should take 6-8 weeks.  We'll have a homestudy, background check and medical exam.  I am really not sure what the order is, but once we get our phone call from our CW we'll know more.  So, the first week of April is 6 weeks... I am thinking it will be more like the first week of May, considering the fact that the licensing is through the state and not the agency (the agency just acts as a "middle man".. getting the paperwork organized and submitting it to the state).

So now its a little bit of a waiting game... but the excitingly scary part is that we could have a little one in the house by summer!  Granted it is foster care, so the child will go back to their parents eventually, but the time that they will be in the house will be wonderful.. even if they are peeing on my floor, antagonizing the dogs, swearing at me, biting me, hitting me, screaming at me, drawing on my walls, and any other horrible behavior you can think of.

Band-Aids

Well, this weekend resulted in a delightful conversation (not a "discussion") about the adoption. After eating a few "waffles" I found that we are on the same page. Actually, I think we both gave a little in order to be on the same page. But isn't that what a relationship, marriage, and even parenting is about? Giving an inch to find a common ground.

As asked by P., I did some research and found a bandaid. We can get "convenience checks" from our credit card.. at the same APR as a credit card purchase.. in case the adoption moves quickly. It isn't the ideal solution to fund an adoption, but it is a temporary solution. And that is all we really need.

So, we agreed that after the holidays will submit our formal application for adoption and begin the homestudy process. It's an exciting new adventure.. that will result in the ultimate goal... being parents.