Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Envy vs. Sadness

So, last night I found out yet another high school friend is pregnant. I was telling my husband about it and he said "You sound jealous." I told him "I am not jealous I am sad." He replied "Sounds like jealousy." I gave up on the conversation.

But today I am thinking about it again... Am I sad or am I jealous? What's the difference? I honestly don't know. I know that I am not angry or mad that they are pregnant, but when I look down at my empty belly, reflect on our failed attempts, ponder the wonders of parenthoood.. I am sad for myself and for us.

The holidays could be so much more wonderful with a child involved. The focus wouldn't be on us, but on them. Our life would be so much more enriched with a child. To see the world the eyes of a child is a blessing most don't acknowledge the wonders of, because it is a regular occurance in thier household.

I am excited that we are completing our formal application for domestic adoption and I want to scream it from the rooftops that eventaully we'll be "paper pregnant". But there is something stopping me from doing so... the fear of pity. I don't want people to pity us, I want them to be happy for us and rejoice in our efforts to start our family as they would if I were telling them we were trying to conceive or we were expecting. But I am not naive enough to think that is the reaction we would get.. so until we have been selected as an adoptive family no one will see an email or status update saying "We are adopting!!"


  1. maddie! go ahead and shout it...you will not get pitty, only happiness! when all is said and done, get paper announcements and send them to everyone you know, have a party, have a baby shower! we are all behind you!

  2. I believe you when you say you were saddened about your own situation. Perhaps Paul was projecting. It would be understandable on both counts, given the disappointments you've both experienced.

    That being said, people are just coming around to the new ideas of the modern family dynamics. I think you and Paul would get a lot more rejoicing than you probably realize. I remember when having a C-section was stigmatized, making women feel less like women than if they had given vaginal birth. Nowadays, women opt for it for various reasons, and no one thinks twice about it. All that matters is that there is a new family member in the home.

    Families have more choices and are less apt to adhere to convention because tradition shouldn't always dictate what is always best for our physical or emotional well-beings. I'm glad you and Paul have taken that next step. It's a big one, and I know our family will be celebrating with you when you do get to bring that child home. We don't always get to decide how a child joins our family, and you and Paul will get your day. Then, the only question will be "What took us so long?"

  3. I'm sad that you weren't able to have a child on your own (so far), but I'm so excited and happy for you that you are finishing up your formal application! You will be a wonderful mother no matter how the child comes into your life, and I can't wait to celebrate with you when he/she arrives home!

  4. You have every right to feel both sad and envious. I know that I often feel both. I think those feelings are normal and I never fault myself for it. As for adoption, I would shout it from the roof top! I would think pity would only enter the minds of those who are completely ignorant. We are also looking into adoption. I personally always wanted to adopt as well as have a biological child. I think "paper pregnant" is equally as beautiful as "body pregnant." Enjoy the journey. It may not have been what you initially envisioned, but it will be equally as amazing. Good luck & Happy New Year!

  5. I just found your blog, and congrats on the adoption application! Me and my husband are adopting, we are currently matched with a birthmom who is due in just 5 weeks!

    If you would like to be invited to read my blog, I'd be happy to send you an invite.

    Best wishes!

    Life and Adoption

  6. When we announced we were adopting (we hadn't even applied yet) our family and friends were thrilled for us. It was great to finally have some good news to report. We would be parents. One thing I did though was have ways to educate people on adoption to fend off any insensitive comments. Congratulations! Come and visit my blog. On the right side bar it says PFM best posts- Adoptive Parents Are Expecting Too. I had people read this to understand the point of view of adoptive parents.

  7. I, too, believe that the decision to adopt is a wonderful one! I wish that it was something that we can afford. I am bitter sometimes that there are people who get pregnant if they drink from the same soda as a man and they make complaints about pregnancy cramping their lifestyle--but wouldn't dream of giving the child up for adoption. Then there are folks like me, who can't afford adoption and even if we could the rigors of "the paperwork" and the "inspections" of adopting a child "no one wanted" is so difficult and akin to a washboard. I have a cousin who adopted twins from China and they are the most beautiful children ever. I have my son who's 9 years old and we've been trying for more than 6 years and my hope is fading. I'd love to adopt too and still believe it's in my future!

    I think that adopted children are so very special--they are chosen. :)

  8. I understand how you feel, Brad and I often have this same talk. He tells me why does it bother you, it has nothing to do with us. I know it is not jellousy but like you said it is the empty belly. I often feel sad when I find out a friend is expecting their first second and so on. I think that is a normal feeling, we finally told Brad's family that we are trying and we went through the whole have you tried this or that have you done test, and all those comments.

    Go ahead and shout it from the roof top! Making the decision to adopt must have been hard and to be "paper pregnant" after all your efforts is deffiently deserved to be shouted from the roof top!



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