So, last night I found out yet another high school friend is pregnant. I was telling my husband about it and he said "You sound jealous." I told him "I am not jealous I am sad." He replied "Sounds like jealousy." I gave up on the conversation.
But today I am thinking about it again... Am I sad or am I jealous? What's the difference? I honestly don't know. I know that I am not angry or mad that they are pregnant, but when I look down at my empty belly, reflect on our failed attempts, ponder the wonders of parenthoood.. I am sad for myself and for us.
The holidays could be so much more wonderful with a child involved. The focus wouldn't be on us, but on them. Our life would be so much more enriched with a child. To see the world the eyes of a child is a blessing most don't acknowledge the wonders of, because it is a regular occurance in thier household.
I am excited that we are completing our formal application for domestic adoption and I want to scream it from the rooftops that eventaully we'll be "paper pregnant". But there is something stopping me from doing so... the fear of pity. I don't want people to pity us, I want them to be happy for us and rejoice in our efforts to start our family as they would if I were telling them we were trying to conceive or we were expecting. But I am not naive enough to think that is the reaction we would get.. so until we have been selected as an adoptive family no one will see an email or status update saying "We are adopting!!"