Why is that when people put their foot in their mouth, their immediate response is "No Offense"? Is it because they know that what they said or are about to say will offend someone? Probably.. because I know that I am bound to offend someone with today's blog. But maybe I need to, because I am offended by their comments, and typically shrug it off by saying "They don't know any better" instead of explaining to them that they are being a bit insensitive instead of supportive.
Telling me that "maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant after you adopt" is not supportive. Asking me "why have you stopped fertility treatments, if there isn't really anything wrong with you or P" or "why don't you use a surrogate" is not supportive. Telling me "you know you'll get pregnant now, it always happens that way" is not supportive.
All of those things are basically telling me that an adopted child is second best to a biological child. I know that, that isn't what anyone means, but that is what you are saying. A child who is adopted is a wonderful, amazing gift. That child will be mine because I love them.. unconditionally. I want to share my home and life with a child. I want to be a mommy and I don't need to give birth to experience the joy of holding a my newborn in my arms.
What I do need, is understanding and compassion. Yes, the decision to stop fertility treatments was hard. But P and I have grieved the loss of a biological child and are happier than ever to start our family through adoption. We just want to be parents and share our lives and home with a child.
Maddie,
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. I know people are trying to be supportive, but every time I hear the same words, well now that you have stopped I bet it will happen, or the I know this friend of a friend that as soon as they stopped it happened for them, yata, yata, yata. As if I don't know what is going on with my body or DH's body and what test show and science tells me. I liked your blog and it did not offened me at all nice to read that some feel the same as I do.
Thanks Tiffany.. sometimes its just hard to tell people, because I know they are saying what they think I want to hear. But the reality is that I am completely okay with never being pregnant. I don't need that to be a good a mom. And I am totally content with adopting a child... the more I think about and the more we delve into the happier I am with the decision. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteMaddie,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! I tried 10 years to get pregnant. We decided to become foster parents. Not necessarily with the hope to adopt one of the children, but to at least be able to finally parent.
My husband and I adopted a child from Memphis. He was 10 months old. The adoption happened before our home equity line of credit came through. I literally put it on my discover card and my visa. Then my line of credit came through and we paid the credit cards.
After we got our son it took the agency a full year to get their stuff together enough for us to finalize.
When we finalized his adoption I was 10 weeks pregnant. People said, "You got pregnant because you adopted." It infuriated me. It was like they were saying my son's adoption was basically a means to an end. The end being pregant. I felt it devalued my son's adoption.
My getting pregnant was a miracle all on it's own. Plain and simple. Don't be afraid to tell people that they are not being supportive when they say things like that. Only 4 percent of couples who adopt due to infertiltiy, spontaneously get pregnant. It seems it happens a lot, but that is because no one talks about the flip side, adopting and never getting pg.
My two daughter's adoptions were finalized last November. Someone actually told me, "Watch, now you will have twins." Some people just will never get it.