Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I have them too....

Mr. Strong - Roger HargreavesI know that most people view me as being "Strong" and I guess for the most part I am. I continue to pursue the dream of having a family (whether that be biologically or through adoption) and maybe it takes strength to continue on this path, but I feel more like I am driven by the possiblity of regret. I don't want to look back and think "Well, maybe we didn't try hard enough."

PhotobucketAnd there are days (like today) that I feel anything but strong. I feel selfish and sad, sometimes even jealous... the anger left a long time ago. On Sunday, at church, we were asked to fill out an index card with a prayer we would say daily during lent. My first reaction was to write "I pray that God gives a baby that we can keep." I looked over at P. (as he had his index card in his hand) and asked "What are you going to pray for?" he replied "A baby." and I asked "Don't you feel selfish praying for that?" he responded "Yeah, but its what we really want." I still couldn't bring myself to write that on the card (even though no one was going to read it -- it is to stay sealed throughout for the next 40 days). I felt guilty for even thinking it, maybe because I've prayed for that for the past few years and it hasn't happened. I wrote down something else... A prayer that was still a little less self indulgent, but still revolved around family. I sealed it in the envelope and asked P. what he wrote... interestingly, it was along the same lines as my prayer... Neither of us wrote about our true want, but instead we will be praying for our "need".


Anywho, today is one of "THOSE" days.... A day that I am missing my friends, because they understand. A day that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, for no reason. A day that just can't go by fast enough. A day when I am feeling anything but strong.


  1. (((hug))) I had a day like that yesterday. The day is half over though, so not too much longer to have a fresh start of it.

  2. I'm sorry. ((HUGS)) I have prayed for you and P. almost every single day ever since I met you. (Well, meeting as in WTE meeting.) I am going to keep it up and be 'selfish' for you in my prayers. (Although I don't think you are the least bit selfish... God has created us to feel desires in our hearts.) I hope your day gets better. And it is okay to not be strong all the time!! ((HUGS))

  3. I'm sorry you're having a bad day!! Just know that I think you're veru strong and inspritational!

  4. (((huggs)))

    love you. your allowed to have days like today too. xoxo

  5. Being strong doesn't mean you can't be weak, selfish, self-pitying, angry or jealous. It's your ability to admit your weaknesses that makes you that much stronger.

    I'm sorry you're having one of "those" days, I can definitely relate (although on different 'playing fields').

    You are still strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you...I will pray for your index card prayers.

  6. I'm so sorry it's been a rough day. I had many many of them and I know it's so hard.

    Hope today/tomorrow is better.

  7. I will pray that you and P have a baby!!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...