I have them too....

I know that most people view me as being "Strong" and I guess for the most part I am. I continue to pursue the dream of having a family (whether that be biologically or through adoption) and maybe it takes strength to continue on this path, but I feel more like I am driven by the possiblity of regret. I don't want to look back and think "Well, maybe we didn't try hard enough."

And there are days (like today) that I feel anything but strong. I feel selfish and sad, sometimes even jealous... the anger left a long time ago. On Sunday, at church, we were asked to fill out an index card with a prayer we would say daily during lent. My first reaction was to write "I pray that God gives a baby that we can keep." I looked over at P. (as he had his index card in his hand) and asked "What are you going to pray for?" he replied "A baby." and I asked "Don't you feel selfish praying for that?" he responded "Yeah, but its what we really want." I still couldn't bring myself to write that on the card (even though no one was going to read it -- it is to stay sealed throughout for the next 40 days). I felt guilty for even thinking it, maybe because I've prayed for that for the past few years and it hasn't happened. I wrote down something else... A prayer that was still a little less self indulgent, but still revolved around family. I sealed it in the envelope and asked P. what he wrote... interestingly, it was along the same lines as my prayer... Neither of us wrote about our true want, but instead we will be praying for our "need".



Anywho, today is one of "THOSE" days.... A day that I am missing my friends, because they understand. A day that I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, for no reason. A day that just can't go by fast enough. A day when I am feeling anything but strong.