Well, the "lightbulb" went on late Wednesday night... I was chatting with a wonderful friend, L., about our failed fertility treatments and the feelings that follow. Honestly, for those that have TTCd for a long time, without success, the first few months "off" are horrible... you feel lost. No more waking up at the same time EVERYDAY to take your temperature, you aren't peeing on sticks to compare the color of the lines, no more violating yourself to figure out the position of your cervix and its "boogers", you aren't plugging in all this data to help calculate your best opportunity conceive, no more "forcing" yourself on your DH/SO because "it's SHOWtime". And you even have this feeling that becuase you aren't doing this stuff, you will miss that one perfect egg and that one perfect sperm joining to create that one perfect baby. UCK! And during the middle of this conversation.. the lightbulb went on! Not about TTC or FTs... but about my mood, my sadness, my need to just cry for no reason.
Had my FET been successful, I would be ready to "POP" with our little penguin. My EDD would have been tomorrow (Feb. 28th, 2010). These thoughts occur to me, every so often, about how many children we'd have, how old they'd be, or even how far along I'd be if any of these efforts had worked. A friend recently told me (when I revealed the "lightbulb") that:"The Mind may not remember,
but the Soul never forgets..."
but the Soul never forgets..."
That is more true than anyone could ever imagine. I think your soul is stricken by your heartache and remembers to greive. So here we are in my metophorical "closet" with the lightbulb finally on... knowing now that my mind will never forget, but hoping that my soul will heal.
And on a more happy note... a physical closet in one of our bedrooms is FULL of books (please do not stare too long at the wall color, you may develop epilepsy -- and I will not be held accountable for the seizures you incur - for some reason the color isn't as bright as it is in person... its LIME GREEN!):
We have to buy some bookcases to get this disaster cleaned up... and honestly its not our fault. When we bought the house, every nook, cranny, shelf & closet (including the pantry) had books on them as "filler". Most are hardcovers (not that we'll read them) and we couldn't throw them out. So now we need to spend a few "benjamins" on new bookcases. I am hoping to get this done this weekend (after homework is completed, that is). Because this is one of the projects that we now needs to be done prior to our Home Study (which still isn't scheduled, because the supervisor who assigns case workers is on vacation for another week).
And here is the future tyke's room:
Your insight about the relevance of the due date you *would* have had makes soooo much sense to me! Maybe it's best to let yourself be sad through this stretch--understanding what's bringing it on--and let then let this stretch pass...even knowing that it may be back next year, or when something else triggers it. It's perfectly understandable. It's much the same thing (I think) that people go throgh around the anniversary of a loved one's death, or the anniversary of another traumatic event.
ReplyDeleteHoping for easier times ahead for you...
Chloe
Leading up to my due date (which, by the way, if I get preggo this cycle the EDD is 2 days from our last one), I was a mess and a complete bitch. I got through the day with the help of the Mexican cabana boys bringing me drinks. It wasn't until the day after that I bawled my eyes out. *hug*
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't like the "Stillers" and I don't want to go to "Turtle Crick" either. I do, however, need to "rid up" in here.
I just had to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers today on what is surely a difficult day. Hugs for you sweetie...
ReplyDeleteDue dates are definitely one of the hardest parts. I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of baby bean #1 that we lost...and now not looking forward to baby bean #2's due date. It's a hard thing to cope with and the quote you posted says it perfectly. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't think "We'd be doing..." right now.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the books! That looks like *so* much fun. lol.
-Cheryl