Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Planning, Scheduling, Tracking...

Have you ever realized that our entire life revoloves around "Planning, Scheduling, Tracking"? It starts from the beginning... scheduling at least.. scheduled meals, then school, homework, exams, then friendship, holidays, family, then work... Sometimes you even plan to schedule something, that you'll later track.

Life becomes a never ending agenda. Sometimes takinga break from it is wonderful, but when you want to have a child you feel as though you can NEVER take a break. "What if we take a break.. and it could've been our month?" Well, the charting bug of TTC bites again...

I know I am not charting properly.. in fact I am using a regular thermometer.. and it is at the end of my cycle (the one week wait is here). Maybe I am temping because I know I am not pregnant. Yes we BD'd (baby danced), made love, had sex -- whatever you want to call it -- around ovulation.. but we've done that plenty of times before.. and NADA, ZIPPO, ZILCH. Why would it work this time? It won't who am I fooling. I thought I'd test on Sunday.. but honestly, I am not at all anxious about finding out.. I don't have any incling that I am pregnant. I've taken HCG injections.. I know how my body feels when I have 1000mg of pregnancy hormones coursing through my veins.. and I can tell you I don't feel that way at all. Not even a tiny bit. I feel like I have PMS... can someone please pass the big bag of chocolate and a container of cookie dough ice cream?

Next month we fill out the Formal Application for Domestic Adoption... I am scared. Sometimes, I have this feeling that parenthood isn't really meant for either of us. Not that I think we'll be bad parents.. because I know we'll be excellent parents.. but more so that it isn't part of our destiny. Although, why would the urge and desire be there.. if the path isn't. I guess the same question can be asked of all those people who can easily conceive but don't have the desire to raise or care for the child. Life really is unfair.. and here comes another holiday to prove how cruel it can be. A holiday built around the joys of children... children we have yet to receive in our home or life.

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